Too Tired for Tears

Have you ever been so tired that you couldn't even cry...so weary from the constant striving that although your heart is breaking and your body wants to cry, no tears come?

That's how I felt last night...after a long weekend of very sweet moments (mixed with lots of challenging ones) with my children, I finally got them to sleep and filled the bathtub so I could unwind and reflect. But as I stepped in and sank down into the bubbles, what seemed to come crashing in like a storm was not the peace I was longing for. Instead, I started sobbing...but no tears came...just a lot of energy draining out and a lot of weight on my heart, but no tears. I so badly wanted the tears to flow so I could find some relief, and I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

Finally, after about 10 minutes of "dry" sobbing, a few minutes of tears felt like a spritz of cold water sprayed in my face and brought about the same relief a small splash brings on a sweltering hot summer day...but it was better than nothing. It took a while to make myself get out of the bathtub, but when the water started turning colder, I decided it was time.

As I looked in the mirror at my tear-stained cheeks, one phrase kept pounding in my head--"cease striving." The word striving has a few meanings, all very similar, but "to struggle or fight forcefully" is the kind of striving that has been draining me. I've never been one to give up easily, and I often find that my striving is most painful in the relationships in my life that mean the most. I don't want to have to "struggle" or "fight forcefully" in these relationships...I want them to come with great joy and ease. And when they don't, I get this overwhelming (albeit inaccurate) feeling that the survival of that relationship rests solely on my shoulders. So to "cease", which means to literally "give over" is extremely difficult for me. But that's just it...the "give over" definition is right where I need to land...to give it over to the One who is in control. He is sovereign, after all, and if I proclaim to trust Him, then I must be willing to let go.

It hurts so much...but I'm going to try to give it over to You, Lord!