"Dents in my fender and rips in my jeans"

My true desire is to write on this blogspot (or somewhere) every day, but the reality is far from that. This entry is my "heart on my sleeve" tonight, as I've been at combat in the depths of my soul for about a week now.

I spent a weekend in Buena Vista at the beginning of this month, and as this incredible weekend drew to a close, we were asked to leave what we needed to at the foot of the cross; and so we did...literally and figuratively. As I walked to the front of the room, my eyes fixed on the wooden cross neatly placed in a glass vase, I wrestled with God about what I truly needed to leave behind. When I reached the table, the tiny square of red paper seemed all but adequate for what my heart was sreaming. I carefully wrote three things on my crimson square, covered each item in white out (as was part of the visual for us), and exhaled a great sigh of relief as I walked back to my chair.

One of the issues I chose to leave at the cross that day was bitterness toward my husband...bitterness for epic issues of the past as well as daily irritations and frustrations. Lord, I knew it was going to be hard, but not this gut-wrenching battle that it has been ever since I returned. He that is in the world has certainly felt "greater" than He that is in me...although I know that is NOT the truth.

The nutshell version of my "husband issues" has been this: him completely missing Good Friday dinner and 90% of the Good Friday service we were to attend as a family; my father-in-law lashing out at me for issues far greater than I believe he realizes, and then cancelling with us for Easter dinner; my husband not protecting me from that conversation--or even offering post-trauma comfort; then spending my Monday working all morning, cleaning the garage all afternoon, and putting a hot dinner on the table right as my husband walked in the door--only to discover he'd been playing golf all day; him choosing to miss our middle daughter's Kindergarten "preview day" and not even a hint of sorrow or remorse; followed bluntly by our youngest daughter's near-drowning due to his negligence. (The details of each of these issues would give you a much deeper understanding of my pain and frustration...but I realize that would be unnecessary at this time...and you'd be sound asleep in five minutes!)

A week ago, I was ready to pack my bags and leave...fully aware this in NOT the solution, nor is it a Godly decision. However, my human nature is overwhelmed with emotion and is not thinking so clearly. Because God, in His wisdom and kindness, completely realizes where I am right now, He provided a message at church today that hit me upside the head! The revelation was not new, the words not eloquent, yet it was God taking my face in His hands, looking in my eyes and saying "My child, please hear Me...this life is not about you, it's about Me." As the pastor put it, once we take our focus off the Lord and put it on the people (or things) in our life, we lose the meaning of our life. We can even go so far as to waste our lives this way!

I sat in my hard metal chair (we were late and got the "extra" seats today) with my face in my hands and my heart in my stomach. I didn't know whether to cry, fall on my knees, or run out screaming--or all three! I love my Jesus with all my heart, but there are times that I want nothing more than to say "WHY?!" or "NO!" And that little toddler in me was raging as I felt the Holy Spirit saying "Tate, you have to take your focus of your husband, your kids, and yourself!" Somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost myself in my family. And the hardest part in that is that they are not a bad thing...like drugs or abuse...they are the biggest blessing I have. Yet the Father is standing next to them with His hands reaching forth, and He is saying, "But what about Me?"

All day these words have been nagging at the back of my mind..."Has it ocurred to you that God has you in this situation because He wants to work through you?" If this is true for me in this marriage, then I better suck it up and let Him work through me..."...though my heart is torn [Lord], I will praise You in this storm!"