My heart is in a fragile state, and yet if one could see it, they would hardly call it fragile. It's more like "hard as a rock." How have I allowed my heart to become so hard? And how can a heart grow hard towards someone who is supposed to be my "best friend," "soulmate," and "lover"?
A few nights ago, I crawled into bed, weary from my exhausting day and emotionally drained from my inner battles. I just wanted to read my short Bible passage and go to sleep...all within 2 minutes. But I felt the Lord tugging on my heart..."open your drawer and get out Power of a Praying Wife." "Oh, but Father, I am so exhausted...please..." And then a gentle pushing..."Please just do it." I went from laying in exhaustion to frantically pulling all fifty things out of my nightstand drawer (I found lots of things I hadn't seen in a while!)...and there it was! I laid back down and began to read the very beginning...not wanting to miss a thing. The words jumped off the page and grabbed me. I felt like I was Stormie Omartian...as if I'd written each word myself (I will include the key paragraphs as a separate entry later). I knew God wanted me to hear HIM through her writing. And I did.
Yet I still felt so sad and so overwhelmed. I want to be "that wife." The one that wins over her husband by her quiet and gentle spirit. But, sadly, I am not "that wife." Somehow I have allowed Satan to get a foothold with my bitterness and my sorrow. I realize this, and I hate this! I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. But I feel like an HBO woman (you know what I mean!). This cannot be, Lord! This cannot continue! Rip out my ugliness and make me snap out of this! I know it's not about me...it's about YOU.
And so it goes, I have picked up that book every night since then and re-read the pages...seeking desperately for it to sink in. I did open the drawer, and I read it! If only the rest came so easily.
I suppose it all boils down to obedience...sounds so easy, but so far it's not.
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5 comments:
How funny you should write about that book! Just this past week I recommended it to a new friend of mine who is struggling in her marriage. I just felt that book would be right for her. Funny thing was that she'd been given it as a gift by someone who didn't know her well just before Christmas and she'd just put it away. When I found that out I told her God wanted her to read it (I didn't know she had it - I just recommended she should read it).
I saw her at church Sunday morning and she has begun reading it and realising that what I've been telling her is what she needs to do - back off 'nagging' her husband and start praying for him instead.
Bless you!
Oh, Tate. You're so not alone! We all want to be "that wife" but fall so short. I was just thinking about this book too, because I read through it with some friends about 4 summers ago or so. We didn't finish it, and I remember reading it somewhat begrudgingly, while I think they got A LOT out of it. I always felt kind of sad about it, but I think I had hardened heart syndrome too.
I think that it says a lot that you listened to the Lord and pulled it out. You have to start somewhere! I'm eager to hear about the key passages that have jumped out for you. I'll be praying for you - I think you're doing the right thing. Maybe I'll pull out my copy too. :)
Just the fact that you were able to hear God and listen to what he was tell you by pulling out that book means that your heart hasn't hardened. You are still a good and faithful servant. I think I would have told God, you know I am tired maybe tomorrow. I love you and your honest spirit.
P.S I know what you mean about feeling like more of a HBO wife! :)
Oh sweetie I so feel what you are saying. I could have written much of that myself - except for the rereading part. I think I will pull it out see what God has for me in there. Thank you for being so open and honest. God speaks through you too for those too lazy to read a book but do keep up on our friend's blogs! Love you!
I am continuing to pray for you! Even though our talks have become few and far between, you are on my mind! Know that you do not struggle alone. Thank you for being honest and obedient to our Father. That in itself is a challenge for me and you have encouraged me today!
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