Can't Keep Getting in the Stinkin' Cocoon!

Sometimes life can look a little "redundant"...especially for those of us who seem to have an inherent need to learn the same lessons over and over again! Throughout the last 15 years of my life, I have undoubtedly had some life-lessons that have rocked my world...and each one was as if I could physically feel the metamorphosis within my soul...leaving me stronger, wiser, and eternally grateful for making it through to the other side.

One would think that after emerging from each experience feeling like a butterfly, returning to the caterpillar stage, being trapped in a cocoon for suffocatingly long periods of time and having to allow my wings to dry once again would NOT be a desirable choice. Apparently, however, that is exactly the choice I've made more times than I'd like to admit. Life lessons are meant to take you through the "mire" and produce a more beautiful being, and ideally create such a powerful impact that you don't have to go through it again...or if you do, it's easier and a heck of a lot more efficient.

Here I am, 36 years old, a sinlge mother of three, and once again, I feel like I've gotten back in that stinkin' cocoon somehow...I started out as a carefree caterpillar, enjoying the beauty around me, eating all within my reach and feeling fulfilled...and then suddenly that world got rocked and I'm "trapped". Or, as Wikipedia describes it, it's like this:

"In the life of an insect the pupal stage follows the larval stage and precedes adulthood (imago). It is during the time of pupation that the adult structures of the insect are formed while the larval structures are broken down. Pupae are inactive, and usually sessile (not able to move about). They have a hard protective coating and often use camouflage to evade potential predators."

Doesn't sound like a totally fun process to me, but that's exactly what's happening...certain "structures" within me are being broken down and as a result have rendered me "sessile"...I can't move! The part I feel I'm missing is the protective coating, which I could really use right now to keep out those "potential predators."

I don't know how long it will be until I emerge from the cocoon this time around, but two things I know for sure, 1) I will once again experience a metamorphosis that will make me stronger, and 2) When my wings dry, I will embrace that beauty and the ability to fly once again.

My Mom is Someone Who Never Gives Up

For Christmas, my daughter received a princess journal that has several areas where questions are asked and the owner of the journal gets to "fill in the blanks." In one section, I noticed she had described me as "someone who never gives up." I took a deep breath and felt my heart overflow with joy...and relief...relief that even when I feel like I'm not doing a fabulous job being a single parent, my daughters see that I'm not giving up.

I will fight 'til the bitter end for them and for what I believe to be true and right. No matter what we may be facing, I find such amazing joy in the moments when my 5 year old looks me in the eyes and whispers, "I love you, mommy", or when my 7 year old hands me a masterpiece of artwork and says, "I made this especially for you, mom" or when my 9 year old turns to a stranger and says, "My mom is so strong."

I know I'm not a perfect parent (who is?!), but I do know that God trusts me enough to loan me these amazing little girls, and I feel so blessed to share my life with them.

Don’t wait for your own struggles to enlighten gratitude...(an article about the Denver Rescue Mission)

The weather is turning colder and the colors of the season have painted a whole new landscape around us. For most Americans, this season brings about the hopeful anticipation of celebrating with friends and family around a table filled with turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, string beans and lots of pie. Some of us come by thankfulness quite easily, and for others it’s a struggle; either way, a thankful heart flourishes most in a state of humility. And I have no doubt that the patrons of the Denver Rescue Mission know that full well.

I spoke to Alexxa Gagner on a cold October morning (the first snow of the season for us), and nothing short of awesome would explain what I learned about the Denver Rescue Mission. As the Director of Public Relations, Alexxa spends her days handling media outreach, responding to all inquiries and questions about the organization, updating their social media and purchasing TV, print and radio spots. In addition, she handles the internal communication for their 160 employees to ensure that they all have the same focus and mission, which is “…changing lives in the name of Christ by meeting people at their physical and spiritual points of need, with the goal of returning them to society as productive, self-sufficient citizens.” But make no mistake about this organization, “…no one is denied services because of gender, race, color, creed, national origin, religion, age, handicap, political affiliation, sex, sexual orientation, or marital, parental or military status” (www.denverrescuemission.org).

The Denver Rescue Mission originally started in 1892 as an outreach to prostitutes and was located near 31st and Lawrence Street. Now that they have worked hard to focus on men as well, there are 5 different locations that comprise the Denver Rescue Mission in its entirety, so keeping the engine running efficiently is no easy task. First is the Lawrence Street Shelter, often referred to as “Jesus Saves” due to the cross and writing on the side of the building, which holds 300 beds for a men’s overnight shelter. In addition, this location serves three meals per day and offers food boxes, clothing and hygiene for anyone (not just men). Next, they have The Crossing, a transitional living facility that the Mission bought 6 years ago as an old hotel and refurbished for the purpose of housing men, women and children who are in the process of looking for permanent housing. The 120 men at The Crossing participate in a “New Life” program that can take up to two years. In addition, the Denver Broncos’ Youth Center is housed at The Crossing, and offers a valuable mentor program for today’s youth trying to break the poverty cycle. The third facility is Champa House, which is for women going through the “New Life” program. The women at this 9-apartment facility are mostly single mothers with children under age 12, and they all take turns helping each other out, such as taking turns cooking meals for each other. This facility is also a perfect place for a woman to turn if she has lost her children and longs to improve her life in hopes of recovering them from the foster system. The fourth location, which was acquired in 1988, is the “… former Mercy Farm in Wellington, Colorado. Renamed Harvest Farm, the 209-acre farm grows food crops for the needy, provides long-term rehabilitation for 72 men in the New Life Program and serves as a rural outreach” (www.denverrescuemission.org). Lastly, the Ministry Outreach Center is home to the administrative offices as well as the main warehouse that stores all their goods…including TURKEYS!

Beginning November 1^st, the Denver Rescue Mission will kick off the Annual Turkey Drive, and if it’s anything like last year (when they collected 24, 000 turkeys and made national news), they will need all that space in their warehouse for those birds! Their goal this year is 10,000 turkeys…but that doesn’t mean they won’t be inundated with them like last year. You’re probably wondering what in the world they do with that many turkeys…rest assured they all go to good homes. 1,250 of them will be given out on November 22^nd with other accoutrements as a “Banquet in a Box”. Volunteers from all over the area come to help wheel the food in a wagon out to the car for these thankful recipients. “This allows people to have one-on-one contact and see a smiling face,” said Alexxa. Several turkeys are given to churches, food banks and non-profits, such as Volunteers of America who will be receiving 1,500 turkeys this year. The remaining turkeys are then distributed amongst the four other Denver Rescue Mission facilities so that they can feed their humble patrons and residents there. The one facility that goes above and beyond feeding those who live there, is the Lawrence Street Shelter, where they host the “Great Thanksgiving Banquet.”

On November 22^nd, the smell coming from the Lawrence Street Shelter will be that of at least 100 Turkeys cooking all night long, so that November 23^rd, Governor Hickenlooper and Mayor Hancock, along with over 60 volunteers can host 500 grateful people from 11am-1pm for the banquet. With this many people, they cannot feed them all at once, so they will begin the banquet with a small chapel service and bring the people into the dining room in waves. Each patron will have a chance to sit down and be served a traditional Thanksgiving meal right to their table. Everyone will walk away with full bellies, warm blankets, clean socks and ideally a hopeful heart. Many of us have more to be thankful for than we realize, and it isn’t until moments of pain and suffering that our hearts are tenderized toward other people. Don’t wait for your own struggles to enlighten gratitude; reach out now through the Denver Rescue Mission or another charity of your choice and let your compassion far outweigh any tendency you have to judge.

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Too Tired for Tears

Have you ever been so tired that you couldn't even cry...so weary from the constant striving that although your heart is breaking and your body wants to cry, no tears come?

That's how I felt last night...after a long weekend of very sweet moments (mixed with lots of challenging ones) with my children, I finally got them to sleep and filled the bathtub so I could unwind and reflect. But as I stepped in and sank down into the bubbles, what seemed to come crashing in like a storm was not the peace I was longing for. Instead, I started sobbing...but no tears came...just a lot of energy draining out and a lot of weight on my heart, but no tears. I so badly wanted the tears to flow so I could find some relief, and I felt like a prisoner in my own body.

Finally, after about 10 minutes of "dry" sobbing, a few minutes of tears felt like a spritz of cold water sprayed in my face and brought about the same relief a small splash brings on a sweltering hot summer day...but it was better than nothing. It took a while to make myself get out of the bathtub, but when the water started turning colder, I decided it was time.

As I looked in the mirror at my tear-stained cheeks, one phrase kept pounding in my head--"cease striving." The word striving has a few meanings, all very similar, but "to struggle or fight forcefully" is the kind of striving that has been draining me. I've never been one to give up easily, and I often find that my striving is most painful in the relationships in my life that mean the most. I don't want to have to "struggle" or "fight forcefully" in these relationships...I want them to come with great joy and ease. And when they don't, I get this overwhelming (albeit inaccurate) feeling that the survival of that relationship rests solely on my shoulders. So to "cease", which means to literally "give over" is extremely difficult for me. But that's just it...the "give over" definition is right where I need to land...to give it over to the One who is in control. He is sovereign, after all, and if I proclaim to trust Him, then I must be willing to let go.

It hurts so much...but I'm going to try to give it over to You, Lord!

What Drives the Band

Whether or not your IPOD rocks tunes like “How Far” or “Life Will Fade Away”, you can’t help but fall in love with Synthetic Elements, the Punk Rock / Ska band from Fort Morgan, CO. Kyle Hernandez (Bass Player and Vocals) showed up at 10am on a Wednesday morning, dressed to fit your teenage dream of a punk rocker, carrying his orange Gatorade and flashing his heart-melting smile. Amidst the hustle and bustle of the Teyste & Grandeur Warehouse, we were soon entrenched in conversation.

Looking at this confident 26 year old, I knew there was an incredible history behind the mounting success of Synthetic Elements. About ten years ago, on a snowy Colorado day, Kyle and his buddies decided it was too snowy to hit the skate park and headed for his friend Todd’s house (Todd McMullan, Lead Singer). Little did they know that the moment they picked up his dad’s instruments, they were embarking on a life-long journey into the world of music. The fact that none of the boys had been trained musically didn’t stop them from booking a gig at a local coffee shop (which at the time was In the Mood) within just one week. Kyle had already been a roadie for a friend’s band, and Brett (Brett Carson, Drummer) was playing for another band that had kicked him out when he broke his ankle. Kyle seized the opportunity and “stole” Brett, whom he’d known since Kindergarten, and the band then got their real start. Raw talent abounded within the group, and the city of Ft. Morgan was chomping at the bit, especially since the last musical wonder to come out of that town was Glenn Miller around 1940. With the limited entertainment in this small farming town, Synthetic Elements packed the house at every concert they offered, and they were soon branching out to surrounding cities such as Greeley, CO.

Next on the map? Denver seemed too easy and not quite as inviting, so the band hit the road and headed to Utah; fifteen and sixteen year old boys packing up the van on a Friday night to feed their hungry fans and heading home Sunday to get ready for an average teenage school week. ..although, “average” doesn’t quite describe the life these young men have led. Around Utah, the ska-punk tunes of Synthetic Elements rang through the locals’ ears, and soon word spread like wildfire, bringing more gigs and innumerous fans. A lot of heart and little steps along the way continued to lead the band to places like the Sundance Film Festival, where they met a few legends and left a lasting impression on key players in the industry. Powerfully touring the US on their own circuit for years, they welcomed the privilege to tour with icons such as Billy Idol and Flogging Molly, and the camaraderie has certainly kept their passion blazing. “We’ve played everything,” says Kyle, “from the tiniest bar to the biggest venues, wherever the kids were hungry for us!” Apparently the kids in Indianapolis are starving for them because every concert there has been sold out, and last year awarded them “Best Punk Band in Indianapolis 2010” even over all their own local punk bands. Kyle talks about how supportive the scene is there like he’s talking about his favorite uncle, which isn’t too far-fetched considering the fans there range from teens to 50-year olds. So, safe to say there is no master formula to making their band successful. Kyle says “We’ve all learned so much through the years by trial and error, we’ve all learned together.”

When they first started out, they discovered that the Denver scene was not as diverse or responsive in the realm of the punk scene, so they have sought to create a following in other regions. My Space was hitting the web scene around the same time the band came together, so much of their publicity and promotion has flourished on the internet, allowing for a bigger following and greater exposure. The band’s managers, Dave McMullan and Brad Lindgren, do their best with what they know, but the band has “…all chipped in, and [they’ve] failed miserably, but also succeeded” (Kyle Hernandez). Part of their success comes from choosing to stay in Colorado as opposed to the over-saturated scene in Hollywood. Synthetic Elements has not only made a name for itself, but has paved the way for other bands to do the same. The band believes wholeheartedly in giving back to the community, helping others who are striving to reach their goals and pouring back into their own band to enable them to soar even higher. “It is a business…lawyers, contracts, bonds, equipment…but we have never taken a cent from the band, any of us” (Kyle Hernandez). This principle is at the heart of Filthy Beast Records, the record label the band started so that they could pour back into other local bands, such as The Potato Pirates, to help them live their dreams. Each of the band members has his own day job, working 40 plus hours a week, but it’s all to make the bigger picture work so that they can be Synthetic Elements full time one day.

But don’t be fooled by those full time jobs because they put at least another 40 hours into the band; especially when they are on tour with AFE (Armed Forces Entertainment) like they will be in October 2011 as they visit Guam, Japan and South Korea. The AFE is the “Official Department of Defense agency for providing entertainment to U.S. military personnel overseas. Armed Forces Entertainment and its performers have the honor of supporting soldiers, airmen, marines and sailors by bringing them the very best in American entertainment” (http://www.armedforcesentertainment.com). Kyle says the entertainment brings the military personnel a piece of home and boosts morale. Because this is “official business,” he isn’t at liberty to tell me the details of their AFE tour, but he is excited to return to Guam for the one year anniversary of Molly McGee’s, the bar they opened and of which they remain “plank owners.” Preparation for this tour is intensive, so the band will take two weeks off prior to departure to meticulously pack equipment and personal belongings. When they return, their usual schedule would be booked two months in advance, but they will be taking some time to focus on the year ahead.

2012 will undoubtedly be an exciting year for Synthetic Elements, with a new album in the works and an unwavering commitment to only stop when they’ve “plateaued”…which clearly hasn’t happened yet. They are continually brainstorming and charging ahead, landing their songs on local radio stations (namely, channel 93.3/KTCL), ESPN, Fuel Television and Rock Band®. Recently, the band recorded a few demos in their own studio, and soon will be laying down tracks for their new album at Bill Stevenson’s studio, “Blasting Room,” in Fort Collins, CO. Previous hits, like “Something Worth Fighting For”, have influenced many people on various levels with multiple meanings; the band may have a story behind a song, but what they want is for the lyrics to apply to others’ lives when and how they need it. Just ask the fans who have tattooed their lyrics on their bodies, and I’m sure you’ll hear resounding admiration for these men. And I would have to agree.

Kyle and I could talk all day, but since we both have a busy schedule, I want one last bit of inspiration from him, so I ask him to tell me what drives Synthetic Elements. He leaves me with this, “We are a family, we’re very close brothers. We absolutely love playing music and seeing people sing our music back to us; and just the happiness that it brings to people is what really feeds us. And that’s the reason we don’t talk about religion or politics. We talk about every- day life that anybody can relate to. We’ve had people say, ‘I was going to commit suicide, but your music really helped me.’ When we can be an inspiration to people or put smiles on people’s faces, it really drives our band.”

So, the next time you’re looking for a way to transform your playlist, remember there’s more to the punk scene than the music, and look for the latest hit from Synthetic Elements.

The Band: Kyle Hernandez, Bass Player and Vocals; Todd McMullan, Lead Singer; Brett Carson, Drummer; Johnson, Washboard and Trombone; Mike Blecha, Organ and Trumpet; Dave McMullan, Manager; Brand Lindgren, Road Manager

Jaded and Sorrowful

One of these days, I swear I will write about something more upbeat and joyful. However, it seems that certain seasons of life just lend themselves to bottles of tears instead of rays of sunshine.

I sat down tonight, tucked away in a corner of the kitchen, trying to escape the little innocent eyes of my daughters so I could cry without being seen--one little set of eyes was a bit too in tune with mommy's "mood", and soon I felt two sweet little arms wrapped around my pathetic heaving shoulders. Which of course melted my heart, and reminded me of the way I spent my morning.

Today was the first day of a new Single Mom's Group at my church..."Soul-O Moms"--cute name, huh! The leaders of our group decided to let us each share our stories so we could get acquainted...I'm just not sure they expected it to turn in to a room full of empathetic tears and "pass the kleenex box" moments. As I sat and listened to each woman, my eyes were like 2 leaky faucets that, in spite of the plumbers efforts, would not stop. Every story held its own overwhelming sadness and an underlying theme of what anyone would call "injustice." And although we all trust the Lord that brighter days are ahead, we all have aches and pains that make daily living a little bit more challenging. Even the acute sense of awareness that "it could be so much worse" doesn't do a whole lot to quench the thirst for immediate pain relief.

My heart left my chest and took up residency in each woman as her mouth formed words that felt all too familiar, and seemed a little bit less comfortable back in my own body with each return. And yet this is why we were there...to reach out to those sharing the same struggles and to encourage each other to try to pick up the pieces of our broken dreams and start rebuilding. I felt strangely thankful for the sorrowful morning, but I couldn't help feeling intensely jaded toward men as a general "race". Not a single woman in that room deserved what the men in their lives dished out to them. And after my own repetitive heartbreak over the man I love, I seem to be wanting to run, not walk, away from every man I've ever known or could come to know. One can only get a heart-thrashing so many times before she finally decides it's just not worth it.

Seriously, God, is this what you had in mind when you first created Adam? I highly doubt it!