Open the Drawer and Read It!

My heart is in a fragile state, and yet if one could see it, they would hardly call it fragile. It's more like "hard as a rock." How have I allowed my heart to become so hard? And how can a heart grow hard towards someone who is supposed to be my "best friend," "soulmate," and "lover"?

A few nights ago, I crawled into bed, weary from my exhausting day and emotionally drained from my inner battles. I just wanted to read my short Bible passage and go to sleep...all within 2 minutes. But I felt the Lord tugging on my heart..."open your drawer and get out Power of a Praying Wife." "Oh, but Father, I am so exhausted...please..." And then a gentle pushing..."Please just do it." I went from laying in exhaustion to frantically pulling all fifty things out of my nightstand drawer (I found lots of things I hadn't seen in a while!)...and there it was! I laid back down and began to read the very beginning...not wanting to miss a thing. The words jumped off the page and grabbed me. I felt like I was Stormie Omartian...as if I'd written each word myself (I will include the key paragraphs as a separate entry later). I knew God wanted me to hear HIM through her writing. And I did.

Yet I still felt so sad and so overwhelmed. I want to be "that wife." The one that wins over her husband by her quiet and gentle spirit. But, sadly, I am not "that wife." Somehow I have allowed Satan to get a foothold with my bitterness and my sorrow. I realize this, and I hate this! I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. But I feel like an HBO woman (you know what I mean!). This cannot be, Lord! This cannot continue! Rip out my ugliness and make me snap out of this! I know it's not about me...it's about YOU.

And so it goes, I have picked up that book every night since then and re-read the pages...seeking desperately for it to sink in. I did open the drawer, and I read it! If only the rest came so easily.

I suppose it all boils down to obedience...sounds so easy, but so far it's not.